I haven’t seen or experienced deep or lasting change with positive affirmations

For the fear of what people will think of me, I haven’t acknowledged this to anyone before. But seeing how highly everyone speaks of affirmations, I needed to get down to the root and sort it out (if that’s possible)

Going to the omini- know know (Google) to start my research on why affirmations do not work, I find that I’m definitely not the only one on this table. This knowledge makes my heart glad. And just in case you worry about affirmations not working for you, stay with me cos’ I’m about to hand you the key I found to unlock the working of affirmations. Let’s go get it.

The idea behind positive thinking is that you get a hold on unhealthy thoughts, then unearth and replace those thoughts with more helpful affirmations.

Often, affirmations tend to be a quick fix that helps you with the surface but barely affects your situation wholly.

So saying to myself “Vicky you are amazing” when I feel nothing like amazing makes me appear as a liar to myself and I only feel worse instead of better which is the intention.

Saying “you can do this” while I lazily sit around because of the weight of nervousness and confusion on me wouldn’t help me pull off any good stuff, and at the end, I’ll beat myself up.

Contrary to popular ‘subconscious’ belief, affirmations are not magic words that do all the work for you, rather they lead you to change your behavior to get the results you desire. They move you to make plans to achieve the desired outcome.

Affirmations should be accompanied by plans, programs, goals, schedules, and other tools that will help make those affirmations reality. It’s not enough to resound affirmations and do no work in that regard.

So, when you affirm that you are the best at what you do, remember that it is not the words that transform you into becoming the best. It is the work that those words commit you to do that takes you to the place you affirm to be.

I’m glad you got the keys, go unlock ’em doors. Cheers to more wins🥂

Meanwhile, how do you work with affirmations?

Have you had some sorta struggle with getting affirmations to work for you? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your opinion on this

7 signs you’re a people pleaser and how to overcome it

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being kind to people which is what people-pleasing sounds as. However, people pleasing is what happens when you alter your behavior because of another person’s feelings or reactions.

Are you kind or a people pleaser? Check the signs.

1. You always apologize when you are not at fault:

Always apologizing even when you have done no wrong just for calm and peace is what people pleasers do.

2. Empathy overload:

People pleasers are often bothered by people’s reactions and feelings which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, when your attention to people’s feelings bother you so much and you start to feel like it’s attached to you or something you did, that’s a sure sign that people pleasing is what you do.

3. People always take advantage of you:

Since you’d agree to anything, some people will keep asking.

4. You lie or tell modified versions of the truth:

In order to spare the feelings of others, you’d rather tell lies or modified versions of the truth. More often than not, this backfires because honesty is an important quality (in relationships)

5. You have a hard time Making Decisions or Sharing Your Opinions:

If you have a hard time voicing your opinions or you tend to agree even when you disagree. Then you obviously are a people pleaser. Giving voice to your opinion is very much better than winning people’s approval. You do yourself and every other person a disservice by silencing your voice.

6. You always say yes:

Being incapable of turning down people’s requests even when you really cannot afford to help at the time because you fear you’ll lose your reputation as a ‘good person’ or because you don’t want to be called selfish is something that people pleasers do.

Unfortunately, this allows people a great chance to ignore your boundaries because they know you will do it anyway.

7. You fear rejection:

The fear of rejection makes you want to be liked by everyone, so you go out of your way to satisfy people, doing what they want irrespective of it being in your favour or not- convenient or not.

You can overcome people-pleasing behavior by doing these;

•Give voice to your opinions. Even when your opinion differs, it is okay to let it be known.

•You can refuse requests kindly especially if it’s not convenient. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You need to understand that and save yourself from self-inflicted stress by always saying okay.

•Show kindness only when you mean it.

•Learn to set boundaries.

•Talk to a therapist, they’ll walk with you through the root cause of your need to please people and guide you on how best to address your situation.

Effective ways to surround yourself with positivity

It is extremely easy to become overwhelmed when you get bombarded with series of disappointment and failures. At these moments, positivity can start to wane. However, you can refuse to be embodied by negativity.

You can acknowledge the negative yet choose to focus on the positive.

Here are five (5) effective ways to surround yourself with positivity.

1. Develop an Attitude of Gratitude:

When you start each day by consciously recalling and noticing the goodness in your life and appreciating them, your spirits become lifted and you become mentally boosted.

Start to practice gratitude by being thankful for the simple things in life.

2. Surround yourself with positive people:

Over the years, studies prove that stress and negativity is contagious — when you hang around negativity, you absorb it. The same is applicable to positivity.

“You are the average of the five people you spend most of your time with.” ~Jim Rohn.

Our behaviour, our thoughts, decisions, and esteem, are greatly influenced by those around us, so choose carefully who you allow into your circle.

3. Perform random acts of kindness:

Random acts of kindness helps you put smiles on the faces of others. These acts reaches both end—the receiver and you, the giver. It takes you out from the overwhelming challenges of your day to day life and positions you as a positive force in the lives of others. It makes you feel better. lifts your mood and improves your self-esteem and self-worth.

4. Engage in Positive Affirmations:

The words we hear affects us a lot, especially the words we speak to ourselves. If you need positivity in your life, you had better speak positively to yourself.

Engage in positive affirmations. Speaking what you believe out loud reinforces and strengthens the message.

5. Journal:

Journaling is a great way to deal with overwhelming emotions. It can help you identify the causes of negative energies in your life.

Journalling provides a healthy way in which you can express yourself and manage your emotions and overall mental health. If you don’t have one yet, you just might need to get one.

Thank you for reading❤️

Please share in the comments other ways you practice or suggest we can surround ourselves with positivity?

5 conversation killers and how to avoid them

A good conversation is an obvious sign of mastered act of peoples skills. They help us navigate systems and networks; literally every one of our relationships. Howbeit, there are certain behaviors that wreck our conversations.

Below are 5 conversation killers and how to avoid them.

1. Being critical

When someone shares their idea or opinion with you, it only feels natural to express your opinion in response, but a negative response can really kill the conversation and make the other person feel bad.

2. One-sided conversation

If you notice the other person is barely paying attention and they do not respond to verbal cues to chime into the conversation anymore, the conversation has lost its appeal.

If you also respond to someone else’s questions but don’t ask about the other person, it’s a one-sided conversation.

3. Constant interruption

We always want to have our voices heard, and that could make us get too excited about a topic that we begin to cut others off. However, we often do this without even realizing it.

4. Giving too much personal information

You should limit the personal information you share especially if your listeners are not very close friends or family members. People do not want to know about your dinner timetable, or your last relationship, or last trip to the hospital; they aren’t interested in your financial issues. Keep it simple and shallow unless you are asked to launch into the deep, only then should you.

5. Unnecessary chatter

Talking for the sake of being an active part of a conversation is often a major turn off. It is always obvious that it is forced and regardless of what you are saying, the imbalance and apparent force kills conversations.

Here are 5 ways to avoid the killers:

1. Be more curious than critical during conversations. Ask questions.

2. You shouldn’t always dominate the exchange, it is okay not to. You can choose to listen and chime in from time to time.

3. Train yourself to speak only once the other person is done.

4. Be spontaneous, trust the flow of the conversation.

5. Don’t fill the conversation with your personal information (health issues, financial troubles or family history) unless you are asked.

Thanks for reading.

Are there other conversation killers that I didn’t mention here, please share in the comments.

Sexual violence: Are we safe because we are yet unharmed?

Is it safe out on the streets anymore?

Will it ever be okay to sit still by yourself when a group of guys are around?

Will it be safe to go on your way when a troop of guys are packed in a corner?

Will men be brothers and fathers just as women are taught and trained to be sisters and mothers?

The stories of sexual violence; rape has lived on for years. We have heard about encounters, stigma, shame, ruins that it had on sisters so close, and many others in our states, nations, and around the world.

We have given thanks that it hasn’t come so close to our family, that we haven’t been victims ourselves. Yet, does the fact that we haven’t been directly involved mean we are safe?

I had a very close friend share her experience of rape, and heaven knows how much I cringed to hear the awful account. At that time, so many women were opening up to how they have been victims of this evil. It did cause me to fear, the thought of humans who had the guts to think it alright to take advantage of others and violate them despite the pain and fear that are greatly embedded in their screams, their pleas.

Somehow, I was thankful it didn’t come near my dwelling. I felt safe, and secured because I have been spared, yet.

The truth? We are not safe because we are yet unharmed. For as long as this violent beings walk and live freely on our streets, in our world, we’ll never be really safe.

Women are dragged for indecent dressing, wrong company, wrong locations, and what not. But this madness has lived long before mini skirts. Even in my decent dressing, I’ve had my share too. Touching when on queues, pressing at bus-stops when about to board a bus at rush-hours, random sexual comments and questions asked by guys who I knew not from Adam.

My sister has mentioned a couple of times how I walk really fast when I see a group of guys. It’s almost a reflex action, cos guys are now danger zones, all the while I walk past I’m praying for safety. For how long must this continue?

Men must be taught respect, responsibility, and accountability. That a woman is not an object to be used and bended as you desire, being a woman is not potential death sentence.

We don’t have to wait till it hits close to home. There’s a dangerous need for balance. We teach and mold and train our girls, it’s time to train our sons to be human. Sending you all so much love, let’s take it round.

One reason you should keep trying even when you feel like surrendering

Facing setbacks, and difficulties makes it very hard to stay optimistic and keep the same perspective of resilience over time.

Times as these so easily rids you of every reason to keep trying and showing up. Surrender or what we often refer to as “giving up” appears as the best option. However, we all know better, but do we always feel better?

One reason to keep trying even when you feel like surrendering is because the world awaits you: wait, what? The whole world? Yeah, you heard right. I’ve been on the verge many times and during one of those periods, I had a meeting with a friend. I told him how pent up with frustration I was, and how no ounce of energy was left in me to keep trying. He asked me a simple question that threw me over myself- “do we ask the world to wait for you, or to wait for another?”

It was my turn to ask; “Wait, what?”

Gif of amazed

“The earnest expectation of creation is for the manifestation of the sons of God, of which you are one. So, the whole of creation is waiting and you want to quit? I ask you again, do we tell them to wait for you or to wait for another?”

You know how it feels to think that no one really cares about anything you’re doing, or a lot of people are already doing really amazing in the area you specialize in, or there’s no one really paying attention to all your efforts? These feelings and thoughts are draining. Yet, imagine that you have an audience that looks out for you, that is hoping and waiting for you. Definitely, they’ll get busy with other stuff(contents from other people) while you take your time but don’t confuse it with them not caring.

So if you are at the verge and you feel like surrendering, I hope you are reminded today that the whole of creation are earnestly expectant of your manifestation. Keep showing up!

Thanks for reading!

What reasons help you to keep showing up even when you feel like giving it all up?

5 Simple Habits to Greatly Improve Your Social Skills

Struggling with awkwardness, social anxiety, shyness, and all other barrier to fluent interaction with people has an impact on our social life and career.

Having a great set of relationship, personally and professionally is crucial to your success in all spheres. Social skills are the smooth pedal that will get you precisely where you want in life.

And one sure fire way to build great relationships is having good social skills.

Below are 5 ways to improve your social skills.

1. Encourage others to talk about themselves:

In How to win friends and influence people, Dale Carnegie wrote that to be interested, be interesting.

We all are a bit egocentric, we tend to love people who are interested in our opinions, ideas, and stories. So ask open ended questions, this encourages people to talk about themselves and then, listen attentively.

2. Offer compliments generously:

Compliments show that you are friendly, they are door openers to conversations. And people may forget (exactly) what you said but not how you made them feel.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

– Maya Angelou

3. Be positive:

Negativity repels people. No one wants negative energy around them. People gravitate towards kindness, cheerfulness, love, and every form of positivity.

To have a great relationship with people, you should intentionally practice positivity.

4. Don’t force humor:

Being funny is a great way to make friends. But not everyone is funny and that’s okay. You don’t have to be funny to have conversations and build great relationships.

Whatever you do, don’t try to force humor. People can tell when you’re trying to be funny. It’s off-putting and uncomfortable

Just be yourself. What you’ll find is that you’ll inevitably get some laughs just in the course of talking.

5. Know when to leave:

When your conversation reaches its span, it is a cue to leave. You shouldn’t stress it. Have a nice conversation and move on.

In conclusion, social skills take a lifetime to master, you’ll need to practice them consistently, and the good part is that it’s well worth it when you realize the value of interpersonal capital.

Are you getting easily distracted?

It is hard to imagine life without smartphones, gadgets and devices that make us accessible yet easily distractible. Our life is a constant navigation of a couple of tasks and tools all at once. This unceasing fragmentation of our time and concentration has become a new normal. Interruptions and distractions have weakened our ability to concentrate (for long periods of time) We are often distracted and our attention span is getting shorter.

I personally find it bothersome how in a space of three minutes, while trying to work on something, I see myself picking up my phone to check out other things, most times, conversations on social media all in the bid to not miss out on “gist.” Other times, I juggle more than one activity, trying to write more than one article at once, editing a picture for blog posts and attending an online meeting, reading a book and engaging in conversations…

And just like I do, most of us argue that multitasking makes us produce multiple results faster, and this craving for fast rewards makes us bounce around in digital environments trying to do a bunch of things at once.

However, what we often refer to as multitasking is task shifting; switching our attention among different activities all of which hurts our efficiency to some degree. Our best is often reduced when our attention is spread across 5 different apps, 10 conversations (on social media and offline), and a page-long to-do list.

Imagine having to work on a task, a project perhaps and while at it, you’re worrying about your engagement on social media and the number of followers you could have gained while working, so from time to time in between work, you go on your social media pages to engage and all the while you are participating in conversations on and offline. Little wonder why you tend to include in your text, words from the conversations you are having while typing, or how because of a switch in activity, you forget highlights of information that could pitch your creativity in your task and you have to start all over again. The result?

-Increased stress level

-reduced quality of work

-lack of creativity

-time wasting and a whole lot more damages.

Thankfully, there are ways with which we can secure our concentration, some of which are;

* prioritize and schedule your task

* deliberately reduce distractions; become more self disciplined about the use of social media

* avoid having to make many mental shifts to things that do not pertain to your task atm

* Take time to unwind. Go on breaks at intervals

* Block out outside distractions

Contrary to popular belief, you can finish things faster when you focus on one thing at a time.

Thank you for reading.

Some people still find multitasking quite productive, do you also find it so? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments

Done is better than perfect

Do you ever get started on what seems amazing and half way through when it looks nothing close to perfect, you slam your book shut or minimize your notepad and toss your phone aside?

I do too.

Countless ideas have gone down the drain because I’d rather have “perfect” than be eager to say done. So I sit around waiting for the perfect time and the perfect words and the perfect scenerios, the perfect starting paragraph, the perfect conclusions, all of which never come.

In the end, I’m only successful at one thing procrastinating and eventually giving up my ‘imperfect’ ideas.

Perfectionism is a problem that prevents creatives from showing their true capabilities. It buries us in procrastination, worse still, it could be the death of greatness still stuck in ‘imperfect’ ideas.

Yet, we forget that perfection is subjective. People who are often the judge of these works have different opinions and taste. What seems average to one might be perfect to another.

So, it’s about time we quit the unproductive habit of waiting for perfection. It’s about time we start doing. Whether it looks good enough or not, get it done. The write-up, the presentation, the podcast, the book. Get started on it. If there be any error, it is better fixed after it is done; there’s always room for improvement.

Writing this was as much struggle cos I’ve had it over weeks, written in my notepad but it still doesn’t look perfect to me. However, to get forward we have to move (do) and I’m committing to doing. You should too

Giving is a conversation

What prompts you to be generous?

The fame? The praise? The joy?

Whatever reason you are prompted to give, I guess pleasure is rooted deep in it.

Very recently, a friend had asked me, “what is the weirdest thing you have done for love?” I got thinking cos nothing that I’ve done so far struck me as “weirdest”

After several hours of background thinking (you know the kind of thinking you do while carrying out other activities? Yes, that one!) I still couldn’t think of one. So I engaged a friend. Amazing how he could make a list of the weirdest things I have done for love, one of which he almost screamed cos he appeared pleased “remember how you crazily give your last even when you have no idea where from or when you’ll get another?” “Oh! there’s nothing weird about that, how could it possibly be the weirdest?” I asked.

Giving comes pretty natural to me; not just tangible things but abstract things too and that is because it makes me happy.

Without words from the givers, gifts carry words of their own and in an exchange, conversations are made.

Any time I receive a gift, regardless of the size or kind, I feel remembered, thought of, seen, heard, cared for, appreciated, loved. Simple yet priceless words that gifts speak to us—I see you. I hear you. I care about you. Oh divine!

And when these words of gratitude sweep through us as we receive gifts, our hearts are gladdened and with words (from our mouth) of gratitude, we respond.

So, at the end of the day, gifts are simply and amazingly conversations of gratitude.

What prompts you to be generous?

What does a gift mean to you?